


Broken Satellites

by laurelsalexis



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Single Parents, because everyone needs hot army dad nathan & his mess of issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-08 20:12:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11089068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurelsalexis/pseuds/laurelsalexis
Summary: Thinks there's something to her, about her, driving him mad. or single dad Nathan meets single mom Meredith & everything turns on it's head.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another day, another au.
> 
> Single parent au that no one asked for but I'm writing anyway. It includes show events but it's not really on the same timeline so ignore everything you know about timelines. It was meant to be a one shot then I decided I was really, really invested in this so now it's not. Updates when I feel like it. I also detest short chapters but anymore sad Nathan brooding would be too much for us all.

He’s late.

Not _technically_.

Not when he’s been in the Middle East for far too long, longer than they told him he would be. But when did the Army ever tell the truth? Rarely, if ever. It matters little as he’s finally back in the States and itching to see his daughter. The only reason he wants to be back at all, otherwise he’s sure he would be out there until he simply _couldn’t_ anymore.

It’s still a feeling that tears him. There’s a certain sense of being close to Megan when he’s out there, in the never ending summer, practically feeling like he’s about to die if he has to spend five more minutes under the sweltering sun. It’s the only thing that lessens the ache when he’s out there, away from the one girl he manages to have to left.

Megan was it for so long. From the moment he met here there was something about her. Something that annoyed him but something that made him fall in love with her. Things twisted and turned until she’s out there telling him she’s pregnant and their whole world turns upside down. Hasn’t been the same ever since and he doesn’t want it to be. He won’t ever trade anything for that little girl they had.

It’s what brings him back to Seattle with a sense of urgency. It’s a surprise, his arrival. His schedule put him out there for another few weeks but he couldn’t take anymore. He didn’t really care what that said about him. He pulled enough strings to get him out before someone else, someone he’ll owe a favor to later, but those guys are the closest thing he has to brothers anymore. They share an understanding that won’t ever be replaced by anything or anyone else. No matter how the rest of their years unfold.

Only Evelyn is aware of his return and when he calls she directs him to the hospital. He wants it to be a surprise, a _good_ surprise, they have so few of those anymore. He’ll never forget the day he stepped foot in that house only to attempt to explain to his toddler daughter that she’ll likely never see her mother again. He was right... neither of them have seen Megan since.

It’s late by the time he actually makes it to Grey Sloan Memorial. The sun is starting to set and the night air is cooler than anything he’s felt in months. It feels good. It’s unimportant. Instead he walks through the halls still in his uniform and grateful that he’s even there alive to return home seemingly out of nowhere. He’s been grateful to Evelyn since he can barely remember and remains grateful as he is there now. Hasn’t spoken to his own parents in far too long, nor has much desire to. Probably should find the courage to call them and at least tell him he’s alive and that he has a daughter. He wonders if they would even care even if they didn’t care all that much about him.

When his eyes lay on that little girl with the red curls and bright blue eyes all thoughts of his own parents simply disappear. He pauses, as if glued to the tile, just looking at her. She hasn’t turned her head yet so he takes the moment for himself. Never thought it was possible to love someone as much as he does her. Never thought he _could_ love someone so much and still be so utterly torn because just how much she looks like her mother.

If he ever put much stock in God he might say it was designed this way and the world is a cruel place.

At least part of that is true.

“Daddy!” The shriek is loud as the little six year old runs and jumps straight into his arms.

She’s bigger than he remembers, something that makes his heart near ache, more so than he already is aching. Megan is there for none of it and he’s missed too much. She wraps herself up in him and he holds onto her a little too tight for either of their own good, placing a kiss on the side of her head. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

When he sets her down, after nearly taking all of the air from her little body, does she beam up at him. “Do you like my braid? Teddy did it.” She asks, pointing to the french braid in her hair.

“I love it.” He places a kiss on her forehead and just takes a moment to look at her. Actually look at her. Kids grow so fast and she was living proof of just how true that is. He remembers holding her for the first time after Megan performed a goddamn miracle in pushing a whole other person out of her body, and now, as he looks at her, she’s still the same but so different. Before he knows it she’ll be a teenager trying his patience. He’s in no rush.

“Are you okay, daddy?”

“I’m perfect.” He promises , meaning it for the first time in a long, too long. “Where’s Uncle Owen?”

“In surgery. He said I could play with Zola.”

“You can.” He smiles, giving one last kiss on her forehead, standing.

“Are you home?”

“I am.” He hopes to every god in the damn universe he’s not lying to her.

Her little arms wrap around him once last time before running off to play with Zola. He figures it’s not real, not yet. It’s not really for him either. Not as he stands there in an actual, functioning hospital that is the cleanest thing he’s been in in months. He lets out a soft breath, wondering, _waiting_ , and doing his best to not be some overbearing father just because he was there in the flesh. She is only six and their reunion went off rather well. Kids are kids and some things seem more immediate than others. Like finishing out a game after a small meet and greet with someone who isn’t around as often as he should be.

“I was beginning to think you weren’t real.”

He turns around at the voice and instantly curses himself for finding her attractive. It happens, not often, but it does. She’s blonde and still in her scrubs, undoing the braids of her hair as she looks at him. He won’t really admit he does have a type. It’s usually not her. He’ll take the chance in pace. “In the flesh.”

“Meredith Grey.”

“Zola’s mom.” He recognizes her more than that.

“Yeah.”

A soft smile is given as he turns to look at the girls playing, almost fearful if he turns around she’ll disappear. It’s never happened. Not when he’s the one running in and out, changing their lives in ways he’s not really prepared to deal with. Might never be. He’s there, though, that’s the important part. He’s there and they won’t leave. He’s paid his dues and they can do what they want with other men. Surely there are other men and women without kids, starting their lives, that will gladly take the opportunities being offered. They’ll never find the chance to be normal but it’s as normal as they’ll get.

The Army was something he only ever did for Megan anyway. It was her idea and she paid the biggest price for it.

“How long have you been back.?”

“Two hours and,” he glances down at his watch, turning so his focus is on Meredith, “forty seven minutes.”

“Hence the uniform.”

“Like it?”

She pauses for a brief moment. “ _No_.”

“I think you’re lying.”

“Are you flirting with me?”

“Do you want me to be?” Half honest question, half him just being cocky. He’s pretty sure that she does like the uniform and is unwilling to admit it. Also aware she’s Zola’s mom and maybe pulling back a little for the sake of his daughter’s friendship is a better idea. He leans against the counter instead, casual while feeling anything but casual, more out of place and lost.

“I think I liked you better when you weren’t real.” Meredith put her pen down, giving him a glance. “ _Savannah_ , where did that come from?”

“Megan chose the name. There were no arguments. Megan and Nathan are boring names. She wanted something different.” He shrugs but ultimately smiles at the memory. They had a million and one fights over it. “Zola?”

“Her name when we adopted her. Didn’t bother to change it.”

“It’s nice.”

“Yeah.” Meredith smiles before returning to her chart.. “I was supposed to take the girls for the night but if you want to take her...”

“Let her have tonight.” It’s the least he can do and maybe he can find where his own head is at.

“I’ll drop them off at school.”

“Thank you.”

* * *

Things move in something of a blur from there. It’s all so new and the adjustment is anything but easy for him. Savannah seems just like her mother in that way, the exploration of the unknown something she loves, all the while eager to branch out into anything in front of her. He worries that one day that will come to bite her but he reminds himself that she’s six years old. Her biggest worry is the other kids on the playground and making sure she gets to see Zola no less than five hundred times any given day.

Teddy hugs him the first time she sees him and it’s sad that all he can think is how much comfort she gave him within seconds. She’s familiar, while bringing up painful memories, but she’s _there_. Owen avoids him and when they do run into one another it’s nothing pleasant. Thinks if he didn’t have a niece they probably wouldn’t speak at all.

Would probably be better that way.

He takes the open position under Teddy when Bailey offers it to him. It’s nice, _fine_. A sense of detachment still exists inside of him and he wonders if it’ll ever disappear. He really doesn’t want to be stuck in Iraq forever. He’s fine, he thinks. He’s seen worse in others and heard of Owen’s own troubles from Teddy herself. It’s not like that for him but the world doesn’t feel all that real and the only thing keeping him moving forward is his daughter.

His happy, larger than life, really should have been named after Megan, daughter. She’s the happiest person he’s ever met and wonders how Owen can be so grumpy when she’s running into his arms and demanding to see the inside of an operating room. One of these days she’ll win and he’s fully willing to admit that it’ll be him who shows it to her. She’ll probably cry, seeing that sensitive streak that is all Owen inside of her, and he’ll give her ice cream to feel better. Maybe it’s bad parenting but he doesn’t think she can go longer than a few weeks without getting something she wants. The charm is all Megan and he was putty in her hands more often than not.

One day he hopes that when he sees her Megan isn’t the first thing on his mind.

The blur manages to fade as he’s back in real life. They find something of a new normal. New house and finally giving Evelyn something of a break. He knows she loves all of them. She loves him like he is her own son and loves her granddaughter endlessly, but she has a life of her own. He’s willing to give that back to her and live in Seattle, not the Middle East. He can’t be lost out there forever like Megan is.

Savannah needs at least one parent.

It takes him a few days to learn Owen got divorced, Teddy’s husband died, and Meredith doesn’t dare mention Derek ever so to not bring it up. Seems a lot of people have their fair share of relationship issues so he just lets it all sweep under the rug.

He does ask Teddy about Henry once but she all but dismisses him. He doesn’t blame her since talking about Megan is his least favorite topic ever.

Owen isn’t as smooth and he doesn’t expect it to be. They argue more often than they don’t and are close to throwing punches in the hallway before Teddy stops them. It’s then he realizes they are together and the bit of jealousy that courses through him is that someone got their happy ending while he’s anything but happy.

Something he only realizes as he watches them walk down the hallway and he feels as lost as he ever did.

Work consumes him during the day and at night it’s his kid that makes everything better. That’s the best part, she just makes everything better and no matter what happens during the day...just sitting with her while she goes on about her day is perfect. Kind of wishes that her little six year old problems were his own problems.

As it turns out Zola isn’t just a friend, she’s her “best friend in the whole wide world, daddy” and they’re inseperable. Something noted when he gets a call one day informing him how disruptive his daughter can be and dragging Zola into it. He gives a false promise that she’ll be better. He knows it’s a lie but tries to talk to her anyway. Her big, blue eyes widen to innocence and it’s then he realizes she’ll be a handful until the end of time.

He decides she’s not dating until she’s forty because of it.

The next time he sees Meredith she just laughs about the call, explaining to him she’s gotten one a few times. Nathan finally feels like things are settled and normal.

Normal as can be when Meredith manages to infect his thoughts more often than not. Thinks there’s something to her, _about_ her, driving him mad. He sees her a lot. Between work and Savannah’s constant need to do nearly everything with Zola. He doesn’t mind, not really. Finds that he likes her most when she smiles, finds her alarmingly hot when her shirt rides up just enough to see the curve of her hip, finds her just there and ruining anything strictly professional in his mind.

Except coworkers is messy so he doesn’t even bother. It’s not the only reason why. Not when he can’t just think about himself.

He considers his time in Iraq to be something of free reign, where he could do whatever he wanted, with whoever he wanted, within some kind of reason. It’s not necessarily the most pleasant to feel like he’s being burned alive and only getting hotter, but it’s a release. He needs those more than he needs anything else.

The pent up tension only makes him more snippy with Owen. He waits for the day they come to blows.

It comes a lot later than he thinks it will but when Owen punches him in the face outside a patient’s room, causing a scene, he can’t say he would have wanted it to come any sooner.

Admittedly, it’s his own fault. He may be the one punched but he does instigate Owen by asking if he feels the same about seeing Savannah, the spinning image of Megan. All but taunting him. He doesn’t really know what he’s thinking, only to decide that he simply isn’t. There’s only so much fighting he can take from Owen. If he wants the family to remain fractured then so be it. Hell if he cares.

They’re pulled apart by someone. He doesn’t care who. Bailey is scolding them as he bleeds and can feel his face swelling. They both mumble they’ll be nice like they’re dumb kids who can’t get along but even when they were dumb kids who couldn’t get along. Except the one time the door that should have been locked wasn’t and Owen got an eyeful of his baby sister in a way no brother wants.

Megan always did manage to put a wedge between them.

Bailey tells them to clean themselves up and as he walks down the hall all he can think is his hand hurts. It hurts more than he could remember it hurting in recent memory, the adrenaline wearing off as he comes to his senses, but is glad to deal with the pain knowing he hit Owen straight in the jaw. He didn’t _deserve_ it, but neither did Nathan.

“Hey,” Meredith catches up, reaching out for him, “let me. You can’t bandage up your own face.”

“I’m a surgeon.”

She doesn’t take no for an answer as he ends up sitting on an edge of the exam table and she’s catering to him. His face hurts even more than it did before and he’s trying not to wince when she cleans him up. “I know you want to pry.”

“I don’t.” Meredith dismisses with ease. “I kind of know. Evelyn filled me in one night when I dropped of Savannah.”

“You’re still here.”

“You didn’t kill her.”

“Is that the bare minimum?” He tries to laugh but she puts pressure on the open cut on his cheek that causes a surge of pain to find him.

“Lately, yeah.”

They remain quiet  until she moves to bandage his hand and he looks at her, just watches her. The impulse strikes but he just sits there quietly as she cleans the blood and then wraps his hand. He thinks if this was ten years ago he would do something different, in a world where he wasn’t with Megan.

“How did your husband die?” The question blurts out and he goes against all advice given to him.

She tenses, pressure applies to the wound on his hand. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

He winces, instantly, hoping she’ll let go. She doesn’t but he doesn’t tell her to either. Doesn’t bother to talk at all. No one was really willing to tell the story. Decided about a week in the into the job that he wouldn’t really break into their little circle. Doesn’t blame them either. Not when he has his own group like that. Might be a million miles away but they exist. Used to include Teddy and Owen but they really managed to form their own group, finding each other after everything.

“Do you want to get a drink?”

“Not after you asked about my dead husband.” Meredith all but snaps, pulling off her gloves and throwing them away. “Try not to get in any more fights. You’ll ruin your hand.”

Striking out twice really should have hit him harder than it did. Instead he finishes his paperwork for the night and ends up in the new house he bought. It’s nice. He’s not picky. Savannah likes it and he thinks Megan would like it. She has her own room she is demanding being painted green, to which he’ll oblige and pray her lime green phase is more than a phase.

“I miss mama.” She tells him when he’s cleaning the kitchen and she’s following him around.

He doesn’t really know what to say to that and wishes there was a handbook for it. There probably is but he doesn’t really need to order ten books from Amazon to tell him that it’s hard. She probably doesn’t even really remember her but misses the figure that should be there. Sometimes he misses his own mom so he understands. Even if his is alive and well somewhere he doesn’t know or really care _too_ much. He has Evelyn but Savannah has no one, no one but him. He’s not quite a mother. He’s a father.

When she gets older she’ll have a million questions that he can’t answer, going through things he’ll be technical on, and just hope it all turns out alright. In reality, it hurts him.

He drops the towel onto the counter before picking her up and setting her on it, running his fingers through her natural curls. “I miss her, too.” An honest answer to an honest statement. Some days he misses her more than others. Sometimes she’s barely a thought and other days he can barely going a few seconds without thinking of her. It’d been a good day but as he looks at her it’s quickly turning into a bad day. “She would love you, more than you know.”

“She’s gone.”

“Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do and then things don’t work out the way you plan.” The best way he could put it. Megan would never put herself in danger just for the fun of it, not anymore, at least. He remembered before everything they were always testing each other and he couldn’t count how many times he thought something happened to her. He’s pretty sure that’s how they ended up with a daughter.

“Don’t leave again.” Her eyes soften, there’s no smile, and the words are something of a _plead_.

“I’m not. I promise.”

If he says it enough it’s true.

* * *

Savannah gets the lime green room she begged for and he’s nearly certain she’ll hate it within a week. Already decided she’s keeping it regardless though. At least until he gets tired of listening to her go on about how much she hates it. So far, she loves it and enjoys playing in there when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

It’s the little things like that he likes the most.

Just kid things.

Not eating her vegetables, suggesting they have ice cream for dinner, trying to stay up late because she’s not tired. It’s all so pure and frankly, he could use a little bit of pure in his life.

It’s late when he still hears her playing and is a few seconds away from telling her that she needs to go to bed because they both have to go to work and school when there’s a knock on his door. Caution would tell him to not blindly answer it but instinct tells him it’s not someone there to murder him.

“I’m sorry to drop by but can you take Zola for the night?” Meredith fires off. “My babysitter has the flu and the hospital called.”

“Uh, yeah.” He agrees as she all but shoves a bag of stuff at him. “No problem.”

“Thank you. Don’t give her anything too sugary and get them to school on time and…”

“Grey, stop. I know what I’m doing. My kid is alive and all in one piece.”

“You’re right. Thank you.”

It’s as genuine as he’s ever heard her and takes it for what it is. When he guides Zola to Savannah’s room he saw just how awake she was. He vaguely thought of putting Zola in the guest room but knows they’ll sneak to be together and he’s not fighting two six year olds over it. Exhaustion has to hit eventually.

Again, maybe not the best parenting but it is what it is.

The house manages to still for the night until his phone is buzzing, dangerously close to falling off of the nightstand at four thirty in the morning. Earlier than anyone should actually be calling him but when he sees it’s Meredith he’s not really all that surprised.

“Your kid is alive.”

“How do you know?”

Nathan rolls his eyes near instantly but gets up out of bed and pads down the hallway to check in the obnoxiously colored room to see both girls fast asleep. “Your kid is alive, like I told you.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t trust me.” A fact, not a question.

“I do.” She lies without even trying to disguise that she is lying.

“You owe me a drink.”

“I watched Savannah a thousand times while you were gone.”

“Not for the babysitting.”

“For what?”

“The lying.”

“I...wasn’t _lying_.” She pauses but then scoffs, “Fine. I lied and fine, I’ll get a drink with you. You’re paying though.”

“See you at work, Grey.”  


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s lost something in the past few years and she knows it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory warning for the trash contained within this chapter. Enjoy~

She’s not withdrawn. 

She tries not to be, at least. 

Trying is about as much as anyone can expect out of her and it’s something she decided the minute she got home from the funeral of her husband. It was a while ago by now, almost feeling like a lifetime with everything happened since. Her daughter is older now and forming into more of her own person than a toddler can. Derek would have loved her but Derek isn’t there so it doesn’t matter all that much what he would think. 

She’ll never know. 

Sadness doesn’t find her as often anymore. Time, she guesses. That’s what they say, isn’t it? That time heals on wounds and eventually moving on just... _ happens _ . She’ll never be over it. She’ll never not think of the life they could have had but she couldn’t waste her whole life thinking about it. She couldn’t all apart just because Derek is gone.

When Cristina leaves she does feel more isolated than she can remember. It’s not that she isn’t close to people, she is. It’s just the two people she put most of herself in are gone and she’s never getting them back. That’s a little dramatic for her tastes. She and Cristina still talk as often as they can with shifting careers and timezones that make them near impossible to reach. Basically been reduced to texts over the past few months. Better than nothing. 

She still has Lexie and she still has Alex. 

Alex’s moved in with Jo and she doesn’t like her very much so she relies on him a lot less. Some nights she’ll call him at two in the morning just to talk and others she’ll pull him away at work. Her life settles into mostly looking after Zola and her work after her one traumatic dating experiment. She even manages to find herself boring so when they do talk she manages to start listening to what Alex has to say about Jo. Still doesn’t like her very much. 

Lexie is her kid sister and she doesn’t like to place much on her. She lost someone, too. The death of Mark hit her hard and she doesn’t think Lexie ever truly recovered from it. Meredith had time and Zola, but Lexie has nothing. Just living her life down the hall from Meredith as they both try to pick up the pieces. Lexie managing to pull herself together before Meredith does. 

Lexie was the sister she never asked for and for so long she didn’t even want her. Then she loved her out of the blue one day and on nights when she’s being honest and thoughtful she’s glad she’s there. She is glad when Zola runs up the stairs to sit with Lexie because she reads the best bedtime stories and sneaks her candy Meredith tries not to let her have. It’s those days when she walks up with Zola and lays on Lexie’s bed while she listens to the two of them play. 

Those nights she doesn’t feel so isolated. 

Until Zola talks nonstop about her new best friend out of seemingly nowhere. Takes her way too long to get a name out of her and takes her longer to put it together that she’s Owen niece. Met her a few times over the years but Owen was never much of a talker about his life or the dead sister it takes her even longer to learn about. Doesn’t even learn about any of it but from Evelyn one night. 

The one time she does ask Owen about it he dismisses her and Teddy informs her it’s something of a sore subject. She understands those and doesn’t even really care that much. Maybe she should have followed through a little more on keeping an eye on Owen for the sake of Cristina but she doesn’t miss how Teddy fills that spot instantly. Better Teddy than her. 

Nathan, she learned is Savannah’s father, who was stationed overseas for the time being. Megan, her mother, was dead. 

About all she really got out of anyone with how prying too much more, not that it really mattered. The feisty little redhead ends up being someone that Zola is inseparable from and after Callie moves to new York with Sofia she thinks it’s nice she has someone. Making friends when you’re a kid is so much easier than an adult.

When she does finally get to meet the mystery Nathan Riggs she swears she can tell it’s all going to go downhill near instantly. Something about him just hits her out of nowhere. Maybe it’s the uniform she swears to be unimpressed by or just the general nature of him. Or seeing Savannah light up the minute she sees him for the first time in months. It’s the uniform, she decides. When she sees him out of it she feels normal and makes an attempt to go about her life.

Until she’s in the middle of  surgery and isn’t doing all that well at thinking about anything but him. She finds it frustrating really. Can’t remember the last time a guy who wasn’t Derek invaded her thoughts like he managed to, while she was supposed to be working. 

It’s some weird thing where they are both widows with kids who are best friends so she pushes it to the back of her mind. She’s his co-worker and their daughters are best friends. She remembers everything her and Derek went through...something she has no intention of ever repeating. His wife probably isn’t even dead. That would be her luck.

It’s not until later does it hit her she actually vaguely entertained the idea of him being more than just the father of her daughter’s best friend. 

She manages to retreat even harder after that. When he asks her for a drink she says no just because she can, not because she doesn’t want to. She wants to, more than she’s willing to admit, her dreams being something else of a different story, but she doesn’t. Doesn’t care that Derek’s been dead for years and maybe having a drink with a guy isn’t the worst thing in the world. He’s a surgeon in the Army, doesn’t actually think he’s that bad, and seemed to be able to take care of his daughter while keeping her in one piece. 

One night she blurts out to Alex he asked her for a drink and he just rolled his eyes at the whole thing. Tried to push her to change her mind but she didn’t budge. Instead Jo joins the and she takes her out so she doesn’t have to deal with it. She spends too much time staring at that stupid post it note like it really means anything. 

It’s a post it. 

He’s dead.

She puts it in Zola’s room and doesn’t look back. 

He’s the first person she thinks of when she gets an emergency call just before she thinks about going to bed. She hadn’t seen Lexie that night and was actually starting to feel bad about how many times she asked her to watch Zola. Not that she minded. Sometimes she even offered just so Meredith could get some peace for a few hours, but then her babysitter was sick and...he just pops into her mind. 

She doesn’t bother to call and only shows up on his doorstep. 

The catalyst that leads her to agree to go for a drink with him. 

“Are you sure these jeans aren’t too tight?”

Lexie’s laugh is one not to be missed. “Any looser and you need a belt.”

“I have a belt.” She’s half wondering if she should just change. She should, shouldn’t she? Why does she care so much? It’s just a drink. There’s a sigh until Lexie is invading her personal space and unbuttoning the first few buttons on the top she chose to wear. “What are you doing?”

“Better.”

She reaches up to button up at least  the top button before Lexie grips her wrist.

“No, come on. You’re leaving and I’m going to feed Zola all the ice cream we have.”

“But…”

“No.”

“ _ Lex _ .”

“No,” she smiles, shoving her towards the door, “Go.”

“Are you serious about the ice cream?”

“Maybe, maybe not.” She shrugs and opens the door. “Goodbye, Meredith.” 

“I hate you.”

“I know.” 

Meredith isn’t really all that comfortable as she sits in her car outside of the bar they decided on. It’s a bar. She’s not really thinking about where they are, just that they are there. Or she is. Sitting in her car just as the sun sets over the city, looking at herself in the car mirror. She’s not certain on the too tight jeans or even the way her shirt is undone. She’s lost something in the past few years and she knows it, or maybe she just never had some of it.

She did used to frequent bars in mass and take guys home in more. 

But she knows Nathan so it’s automatically different. She doesn’t know much. They don’t really do that much talking but she knows enough and he’s not a bad guy. A final breath is lost as she walks in and takes a seat next to him. He’s hot, if she’s managing to actually be honest with herself. Not in the uniform, which is still her favorite look, but not in his scrubs either. 

“I was beginning to think you stood me up.” He greets as his eyes lay on her and the way his gaze scans her there is nothing subtle about the way he checks her out. 

“Traffic.” She lies with ease and when the bartender comes by she orders a vodka tonic. If he thinks she’s lying he doesn’t say anything as he takes a sip of the whisky in front of him. She notices him different than she had before. His hair is still short but definitely growing out from the first time she met him. His scruff is not far behind and the immediate thought of what it feels like is the question of the hour. Derek grew his beard out once in a depression and didn’t really look good on him. Looks good on Nathan though. 

“Didn’t really have to worry much about traffic in Iraq.”

If she’s not supposed to laugh she blows it, instantly. Almost chokes on her drink and carefully sets the glass back down against the counter. “Iraq isn’t funny. Talking about traffic when we both knows what this is though.” She hasn’t been locked in her house  _ that  _ long.

He leans forward then, something of a smirk finding him. “And what is this?” 

“A drink.”

“Mm.”

“What?” 

“Nothing.” The smirk doesn’t leave, even as he sips at his drink. “You look hot for a drink. Do you dress up like this all the time? I distinctly remember you wearing a flesh colored turtleneck the other week. Far cry from  _ this _ .” 

She takes a sip of her drink to seem more collected. She’s no stranger to this, the flirting, but after Derek, after the failed one night stand she never wants to think about again, it’s not as easy. He sends a fire through her she doesn’t need nor want, almost certain she’s flushing as she thinks about him ripping the rest of her buttons open. “The turtleneck was a mistake.” She’s burning in the minute she gets home. “My sister helped.”

“Thank her for me.” He finishes his drink and turns his body to her. “This is when you say something nice about me.”

Meredith rolls her eyes but finds herself relaxing. “But then it’ll go to your head.”

“You manage to keep me knocked down. So does Owen.” 

“Your face is healing.” She points out, running her finger over where his cut was. “Not getting into anymore trouble?” 

“Not lately. Explaining to your daughter why her uncle punched her dad is not on my list of things.”

“Did she ask?”

“No.” He shook his head. “She spends most of her time telling me about Zola.”

Meredith can relate. “They’re inseparable. Have been for months.” 

“I can get it.”

Meredith finds herself closer to him without even really thinking much about it. “We have to think about the girls.”

“We are.” He assures, grazing his hand against her thigh. “They don’t know where we are.”

“They don’t.” 

“If you want to go I won’t stop you.”

She thinks about it for a moment before not moving, only taking a sip of her drink while looking at him. She should be aware they are in public, that as the minutes pass them by more people enter, but she doesn’t care. She cares about the feeling of his hand on her thigh, vaguely wondering what they’re doing. They should be careful, find some sort of rule, pretend they are adults with two kids between them that can’t handle the tension. Suddenly the only thing she wishes are that her jeans weren’t so damn tight. “Buy me another drink.” 

He flags the bartender down and orders them both another round. His hand doesn’t move and she has to keep some sense together to not totally lose herself. She’s touch starved. No other way to put it. She aches and he’s there with an interest in her. She even sees the other guy on the end eying her. A moment passing where it just feels nice to be wanted. 

“Have you ever had a threesome?” She whispers in his ear half into her second drink, resting her head on his shoulder. When he tenses she wonders if too far out of seemingly nowhere but she’ll blame the vodka for it later. 

Nathan turns his head to her, watching her for a moment. “Yeah.”

“Tell me.” She notices the way he swallows and if she’s making him nervous she approves of it. 

“Undergrad. Junior year.” He pauses and smirks for a moment. “We were drunk and well my mate got the idea in his head. That poor girl didn’t even seem to bat an eye when he proposed the idea. Could barely walk the next morning. Then,” he looks down at his drink, “Megan had a moment before we let for the Army. That poor girl didn’t know any better either. We were sober for that one.” 

“Hmm.” Meredith bit on her lip. “That guy over there is endlessly watching me and I really want you both to fuck me. I’m not drunk enough that is this a bad idea, but had enough to drink to not care what you think of me because of it.” 

He finishes his drink before setting some money on the counter to cover the drinks. “Then we should go talk to him.”

“You’re serious?” She tries not to sound shocked but she is, frankly. Derek would never and she would never bring up the idea either. She hasn’t even slept with Nathan and thinks it’s a really bad idea to propose it, but the idea nags at her so she doesn’t actually care. Worst comes to worst she just doesn’t go to that bar ever again. Planning on that anyway. 

“If you want it, why not?” He stands, towering over her as she remains sitting, “ _ Someone _ should fuck you tonight. I’d really like it be me in some fashion.” 

Meredith nods and stands with him. The thought is on her mind now and she just needs it,  _ needs  _ him, has too many questions and not enough answers. She’s entirely certain Nathan would be enough but she’s already there and feeling like her slutty Europe self so why not? She doesn’t have to be the stuffed up mom and surgeon she is all the time and if Nathan’s willing to go along....

As it turns out the guy checking her out has even less questions than Nathan did. She feels awkward as they end up in the bathroom, which is the worst place to do this but she doesn’t want it to be more personal than it is. She’ll have to look Nathan in the eye tomorrow at work but the other guy, whose name she doesn’t even bother to learn, will be nothing but one night.. His name is not important.

What’s important is how  _ fucking  _ wet she is just at the thought. There’s a pretty little mental image in her head and she needs it to be a reality. She drops to her knees without thinking much about it or being guided. Half feels like she’s a cheesy ass porn movie when she pays attention to them both. Smirks to herself with how easy it is to get them both hard. 

If anyone was ever going to call her a whore now would be the time. 

She’s out of practice and it’s sloppy. Nathan’s hand covers her out to gain a rhythm, to not be too hard and too dry with him, and she’s genuinely interesting in letting him guide her. It doesn’t hurt her attraction to him is absolute and has been since the moment she set her eyes on him. Thinks it’s only fitting her hand is on his throbbing cock. Probably should have got them their sooner. 

Her mouth finds the other guy and it all comes back to her with ease. He’s a little handsy but she finds she likes it, likes the way he’s there, making her suck him harder, and she’s all too willing to oblige. Half wishes she had another hand because it’s too damn much and she needs to feel something.

She can wait her turn.

Her turn comes soon enough when she pops up off of him and Nathan yanks her up. She kisses him first, just needs to, needs anything before she falls apart. She backs herself up against the other guy, pushing him into the wall, her hand stroking him as Nathan unbuttons her shirt to let it fall open. Should have skipped the bra all together. 

She loses her jeans and her panties before she’s even thought about it. The tear is clear and really she hopes that by the time she has to sneak back into her own damn house that Lexie is asleep so she doesn’t have to explain anything to her. But when Nathan whispers into her that he really wants to fuck her she doesn’t care much about anything else and just needs to feel them. She needs to feel them both splitting her in half, making an attempt to break her, filling her up in ways that not even her damn vibrator could do. 

Nothing is very sanitary in there but she’s thankful at the sound of a tearing condom. Not that she can say she would stop either of them if it wasn’t the case. The burn in her is real and as Nathan’s fingers run through and brush her clit she cares even less than she did before, if it’s possible. 

Her body ceases to become her own when she’s lifted between the two. It’s a lot and she doesn’t care that there’s definitely a more proper way to do this. She doesn’t want it. Doesn’t care that it’s all barely by and she’ll definitely hurt in the morning. Doesn’t care the way the man behind her feels like he’s splitting her in half without even being in her, or the way his teeth sink down into her shoulder and she lets out the loudest moan she’s done in any recent memory. Not that it say all that much about her. 

Nathan covers her mouth with his own to keep her quiet and she most definitely needs it when she’s taken by them both, in some kind of unison that she swears should be illegal, _ is _ probably illegal somewhere. She’s putty nearly instantly and sobers up a lot faster than anything else could have made her. 

There’s no mercy on her and she doesn’t want it either way. She just wants to forget about everything and let herself be. She does her best to rock herself against them but ultimately, they own her pleasure and she’s fine with that. All too fine when the guy behind her sucks at her neck and Nathan is marking his way down her chest. 

She is nothing short of a full mess as she hears someone open the bathroom door but instantly tunes them out when Nathan demands she looks at him. Thinks it’s cruel, really. The way he stops when she doesn’t open her eyes and only continues when she looks at him. The way his fingers find her clit the minute she’s told herself she just can’t handle anymore. It’s even worse when she feels like she’s about to come he just... _ stops _ . 

They  _ both  _ do.  

The silence hangs in the air until the bathroom door shuts behind them and they both move again. Probably some stupid act like they weren’t fucking in the bathroom when they clearly are. They clearly, clearly are when she can’t muffle any sounds and the way they move is just so clearly heard as they echo off of the walls. She’s a wet, sopping mess that alternates with a burn that is just too good to be real. It’s different, it’s good, and she can barely keep herself together. 

Meredith lasts about as long as the guy does behind her. They’re like a domino effect. Him, her, and then Nathan. Fitting the way they’re positioned. She bites down on her lip to keep from letting out too much noise. It’s not the seediest bar in Seattle so they probably should have tried to be a little less…. _ this _ , but she’s a shaking mess, feeling like her whole body was just taken over with a pleasure she can’t say she’s ever felt before. An insult to every past time she’s had sex but the sated feeling that washes over her, even as they both pull out of her, setting her firmly back down on the ground, she cares about barely anything. 

She slumps against Nathan once she learns she can’t really hold herself together. “ _ Thank you _ .” 

It winds up just being her and Nathan after a small round of awkward conversation and her not bothering to share her number. Just like she did back in her Europe days of taking what she wanted with no plan to ever see the guy again. She feels normal in a sense, like a dumb trashy hookup in a bar bathroom was something that helped her feel like Meredith. Not just someone’s mom and doctor. Not the poor widow who was alone. Just a girl who was fuckable enough to have two guys take her in a bathroom. 

She doesn't speak to Nathan as she pulls on her jeans, disregarding the destroyed panties she didn’t mind being lost without. The post orgasm bliss still exists in her and hasn’t even bothered to worry what will happen when they go back to work. It was supposed to be a drink and turned into something so different. His hands,  _ cock _ , and lips all over her are the thing that manages to remain. The other guy just something of a bonus, part of the experience but not terribly important. 

“I’m glad I came out for the drink.”

“Me too.” He agrees, tucking a few strands out hair behind her ear. “More grateful for this.”

Meredith rolls her eyes as if she’s not in the same exact spot he’s in. “Next time it should be the two of us.” She half thinks she should tell him that it’ll never happen again but she knows it will. She wants him. If she didn’t have Zola or Lexie certainly they would end up at her place. If he didn’t have Savannah maybe they would end up at his. But they do so they won’t. She’ll go home and shower, memories will replay, and when she sees him tomorrow it’ll be different than when she saw him this morning. It’s sex. She can do sex. If it continues like that she can really do it. 

“You know my number.”

“I’ll make good use of it.” She whispers, leaning back against the tile wall with her shirt still unbuttoned, pulling him close to her. “Maybe you should take a picture of me. All fucked out, hot, sweaty, a mess, really. Here,” she leans over and finds her phone, unlocking it before handing it to him, “take one.”

“Jesus Christ, Grey.” 

“Yes?” She questions, looking up at him, tugging her jeans back off of her hips. “If you don’t want to take it…”

“I’ll take it.” He answers quickly and takes a picture, a few actually. 

When he hands her the phone back she looks at them before choosing the best one to send to him. “There. Something to remember this night by. Just don’t let anyone see. I want to pretend I’m not this slutty.”

“Hot is the word I’d use.” 

She smiles at that, finding just the simple comment is one she likes as she does manage to redress herself for real that time. It’s like some kind of sexless dam broke inside of her and it’s on her mind. She’s already been gone too long and kind of wants to just make him suffer for the rest of the night, even if that means a certain ache returns for her. “Next time I see you I want to suck your cock.” 

“What happened to the girl who wouldn’t even agree to a drink the first time I asked?”

“She’s not fun and she’s tired of being the turtleneck wearing mom all the time.” She really,  _ really  _ was. She just needs a break, to  _ be _ , to feel, to exist, to not be whatever she was morphed into during the rest of her life that just made everything feel as if it wasn’t right. Surely she’ll judge herself a little later for this and when she sees him at work will wonder if she’s really that much of a mess, but as she stands there, she doesn’t care. “It’s just sex. No strings, no attachments. Work. Kids. Sex. Those are the approved topics.” 

“Okay. Altman got us on a surgery tomorrow. Try not to get  _ too  _ wet thinking about me. Savannah and Zola have that carnival this weekend. I’ll take them if you don’t want to go. Next time we do this skip the panties and the bra. When I bury my face between your legs and lap at your cunt until you’re screaming and can’t possibly take anymore less layers are better.” 

“We’ll go to the carnival together. You’ll just have to keep your hands to yourself.” She pushes herself from the wall. “And if you’re good I’ll let you have me that night. If you’re bad I’ll touch everything  _ but  _ your cock until you’re  _ begging  _ me.” The smirk and the all around devilish demeanor she has doesn't leave as she reaches up to whisper in his ear. “Make it so you’re the one who can’t walk the next day.” She gives a smack on his ass as she pushes the stall door open. “Goodnight Nathan.”

“Goodnight, Meredith.” 

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr.](http://laurelsalexis.tumblr.com/)


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